


Dysfunctional Family

by VeganChocolateSyrup11



Category: Tales of the Abyss
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Domestic, Expert Dancing, F/M, Gen, Just don't, Living Together, M/M, Post-Game, don't go into the kitchen, fontech everywhere, ion's barbies, or the basement, so much crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-30
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-01-21 08:14:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1543889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeganChocolateSyrup11/pseuds/VeganChocolateSyrup11
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tales Of The Abyss on crack where the main characters are all thrown together in a house post-adventure. This is a compilation of amusing short stories revolving around their shared spaces and the problems that follow.<br/>Disregards character death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Snowflake

There are only two bathrooms in the house. One on the main floor, and one in the basement. Sadly, the one on the main floor is being occupied by none other than Jade the nuisance. He has been there for hours and it doesn’t look like he’s going to come out of there any time soon. Pounding on the door, Luke yells at the Colonel to hurry but only gets more furious when the older man responds.

“There’s another bathroom if you need it that bad,” He calls, smirking behind the door knowing that the bathroom’s owner won’t be pleased with Luke ‘visiting’.

Luke get’s a shiver just from thinking of going down to the basement to get to the second bathroom. Even though the basement door was at the end of the hall, Luke swore that he could feel the vibrations of the bass from where he was standing. The redhead cringes and looks back at the bathroom door, trying to balance himself over his crossed legs. Knowing that he wouldn’t last very long in that position and Jade was probably attempting to read an entire book in there just to annoy him, Luke gave up. “You will pay for this!” He yelled before sprinting to the basement door and crashing his way down the stairs.

Luke froze at the bottom of the staircase, looking around the black room to see if his presence was noted. The room has black walls, but it is lit up by various lamps. Rock and metal band posters littered the walls, and adding to the mood there was My Chemical Fonons resonating from the walls. Asch was shuffling in the middle of the room, headbanging and singing as he spun and danced in the most ridiculous way Luke had ever seen. Not even Anise’s DDR skills can top the majestically retarded rocking of the General. As he spun, Luke noticed something white on his chest. He didn’t dwell on it too much before his thoughts returned to the painful pressure of his bladder. As soon as Asch’s back was turned, Luke sprinted to the bathroom and closed the door before the other could realize he was there.

It didn’t take long before Luke was done with his business and ready to head back upstairs, but before he even had the chance to open the bathroom door he could hear the bass start to fade away as the song came to an end. He had to get out quickly before his original noticed. Taking a deep breath, he opens the door and sprints out, tumbling over his own feet and falling flat on his face. Luke mentally scolds himself for being so clumsy. The music came abruptly to an end and Luke turns his head to face a very, very, VERY pissed off Asch. His face resembled a ripe tomato, one shade brighter than his hair. In his hand he holds what appeared to be a teddy bear white as snow. Luke raises an eyebrow, and when Asch noticed where the replica’s attention lay, he became more flustered, if it was even possible.

“What’s up with the toy?” Luke laughs as he got up to his feet, ready to sprint for safety.

“Uh- Snowflake is not mine!” Asch growls in frustration. “Tear left it here and-”

“Wait a second,” Luke interrupts. “You named it Snowflake?” 

Asch doesn’t have time to respond before Luke burst into laughter. The original scowls and lunges towards him. The replica barely had time to react before he was thrown against the ground. They roll back and forth on the carpet, Asch attempting to land a punch on the other as Luke just laughed hysterically, wrestling the general. Finally, Luke takes his chance and sprints for the stairs, Asch not too far behind. When the ambassador finally passed through the door, he manages to shut it close behind him, coincidentally smacking Asch in the face. Luke winces at the muffled crash he heard behind the door and ran for cover in case Asch decided to come and beat his ass to submission. 

In front of the first floor bathroom door there was none other than Jade leaning against it. “Did you have fun down there?” He smirks. “I’m sorry I took so long. I guess I lost track of time.”  
“Sure you did,” Luke panted and rolls his eyes. “Just hide me.”

“Now why would you need a hiding place? It is perfectly safe.”

The basement door creaks open and Asch peers through the crack with the most murderous grin that Luke had ever seen. Well, if you don’t count Jade’s everlasting grin plastered on his stupid face. Luke runs off towards the kitchen, leaving Jade to deal with the furious redhead. Before Luke can even step a foot inside the kitchen, though, Tear is already pushing him out back the way he came. The kitchen was considered Tear’s space and there was an unspoken rule that one should not step foot in her domain. Apparently, Luke still had to learn said rule. Thinking quickly of a Plan B, Luke heads for the garage, Guy’s mancave.

“What’s the rush?” The blonde turns to face his friend with a big grin. The whole place was littered with fontech. Pieces of machinery lay left and right on the floor and on various tables the Malkuth nobleman had set up. 

“Asch,” The redhead answers. That was all he needed to say for Guy to understand exactly what he was talking about. “You won’t believe me, though! Guess what I saw in his room!?”

“A life size pillow of the lead singer from My Chemical Fonons?” Guy tilts his head a bit.  
“Ye- wait… No! That’s not it. Though I wouldn’t be surprised.”

Guy picks up a wrench from the ground, “Then what was it?”

“Remember the white teddy bear Tear got at Grand Chokmah?”

“The white one she thought she lost?”  
“Yes! That one!” Luke exclaims. “Asch has it. He was dancing around with it nonstop in the basement. He even named it ‘Snowflake.’” 

“No,” Guy says in disbelief.

“I’m not kidding. I saw it with my own eyes! He even gave it an outfit.” 

Guy shoots the redhead an are-you-kidding-me-right-now look, “Oh, don’t tell me. A red dress with little flowers.”

“Yeah! How’d you guess?”

Guy was silent for a second before he starts cracking up. “No way! You better not be joking about this! We have to tell Tear!”

“She’s angry at me at the moment.”

Guy wipes a stray tear elicited from the laughing. “Why?”

“I walked into the kitchen.” Luke shrugs.

“What? no! That’s more dangerous than the basement! She has knives there,” Guy says while he fiddles with his machine part.

“What about me?” A certain brunette pipes up from the garage doorway. 

“Tear!” Luke whirls around. “I found your teddy bear!”

“Really?” She widens her eyes a little, in surprise. “You can tell me later, it’s dinner time.”

“Awesome,” Guy grins. He put down his things and follows Tear and Luke back inside the house.

The entire group took their respectful seats around a dinner table. At the head and foot of the table sat Tear and Jade. On one side, Guy and Anise sat with Luke in between while Asch sat across from his replica. Two empty chairs sat on either side of him reserved for guests. Tear serves everyone their food and sits down so everyone could begin to eat. 

The room is quickly filled with tension coming from Asch’s death glares towards the redhead with shorter hair. Luke tries to ignore him and eats from his plate, but Asch insists on ruining his dinner and kicks him under the table. Luke growls under his breath and kicks him back. Tear glares down the table with narrowed blue eyes at the fon Fabres, who are furiously kicking each other under the table so hard that the water in their glasses is already shaking. 

“Enough with playing footsies,” Jade finally speaks.

“I would very much appreciate it if you took this downstairs,” Tear states.

Before either one of them could reply, Tear stands up and drags them both to the basement door. She returns to the dining room table to get their plates and hands them to the redheads, urging them to leave. As they head down the stairs she closes the door and sits back down with the others.

The party was able to enjoy their dinner and the peace… of hearing them fight downstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chris: oh come on Asch, no need to be so grumpy.  
> Rime: They need to work their shit out.  
> Chris: oh well, thanks for reading! this is our first fic so feedback is much appreciated.  
> Rime: Yeah, any ideas for later chapters are welcome also. I hope you enjoyed this random yet tasteful piece of literature.  
> Chris: We'll see you in the next chapter with Anise! Is Tear ever going to get Snowflake back?  
> Rime: I doubt it...


	2. In Which Anise Is A Glutton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sandwiches and Dancing  
> A short chapter

Tear stares in disbelief as she watches the two figures move at a speed that seems almost unnatural. Tear knows that Anise likes to play DDR, but she did not think that she would be this good, much less her current rival. They were playing on expert mode and had no misses so far, which was surprising to the brunette. 

Tear had been cooking just a few minutes before and was about to call the household together for lunch when she noticed the Colonel dancing almost unrealistically beside the Fon Master Guardian. The younger of the two, seeming a little taller than the previous day, seems to have limitless energy. Tear remembers her poor grilled cheese sandwiches and decides to stop their little dance battle.

“Colonel Curtiss, Anise, dinner is ready,” Tear speaks up.

Anise cheers, “Awesome! I am starving!”

Jade steps off the pad along with the girl and faces the seventh fonist. “We’ll be right there. Thank you, Tear.” 

“Finally! I get to watch Four Fon-Action News!” Natalia pipes as she walks into the living room. Everyone knows about her sick obsession with the television. The princess keeps the T.V. on all the time. When the news comes on she is immediately engaged in a one-on-one political battle with the television. Nobody can break her out of it. Luke tried once, but he was almost strangled to death.

Tear sets Natalia’s plate in front of the T.V. and goes to sit down at the table, not wanting to interfere with the strawberry blonde’s guilty pleasure. The rest of the household was already sitting and beginning to eat, much to Tear’s annoyance. 

Anise was already on her fifth serving when Guy decided to comment jokingly, “If you don’t stop eating, you might outgrow Jade.”

“Then I’ll be the tallest!” Anise beamed and continued to eat.

“But then you will be taller than Ion,” Jade smirks.

Anise freezes, deep in thought, then steals Jade’s sandwich from his plate.

“Anise,” Jade states, sending her a penetrative look. “Give me my sandwich back.”

Anise takes a bite, “It’s for being a butthead, Colonel.”

Luke chuckles under under his breath, earning a kick from Asch under the table to shut him up. Luke is about to throw his sandwich at the General when Anise grabs it out of his hand and eats it.

“Hey! That’s mine!” Luke whines.

“You were going to waste Tear’s amazing cooking,” Anise retorts. “You’re a disgrace. When I marry a rich man one day, I will never put any food to waste. I will eat everything!”

“Even the table?” Jade jokes. “And the plates?”

“YES! The silverware too!” Anise stand on her chair. “I WiLL DeVoUr ThE eNTiRe WoRLd~!”

Everybody goes silent at the table, staring up at the Fon Master Guardian in either fear or amusement.

The silence is broken by Natalia’s yell. “WHAT!? DUKE DALEN IS RETIRING!? HOW CAN YOU RETIRE FROM DUKEDOM!?’

“That’s it,” Tear stands. “I am leaving.” Tear takes her plate and walks back up to her room, never to be seen for the rest of the evening. Which might be a good thing because Asch proceeds to shove Guy’s sandwich down Luke’s throat while the latter tries to fight him off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chris: We apologize for this very short chapter  
> Rime: Fun fact: Anise contributes to the gang's nonexistent income by participating in food eating contests.  
> Chris: Guy is actually terrified of it. He fears her jaw will unhinge like a snake one day and she will devour them all.  
> Rime: Sorry for slow updates  
> Chris: We're lazy AF and school is literally the worst. It's our fault.  
> Rime: blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
> Chris: My twin has a runny nose. Hahah! Makrl the Runny!  
> Rime&Chris: See you next chapter!


End file.
